Was it ever real, those 3 am emails after office, the morning calls for breakfast the reminders for a walk and the night full of poems sent in multiple parts over emails, texts and calls;
Did you ever realize the tears I shed when you left my silent wishes to just see you once the false stories I told myself or the poems through winds i sent the time I roamed in your city wondering if fate will intervene and bring you to my lonely world.
Was it all a lie or my imagination, I fell so hard what words did you mean from your part no matter how many times I held my heart I can only see a shattered love reflected in the pools of memory of the doomed moment,I gave you myself.
I sometimes regret
once knowing you so well
like a part of my own soul,
your words that healed me
like the blood of my own;
if only I could have kept you
trapped in my memories alone,
as if you were never mine to be;
I wished for a sister, a companion
to my lonely, loveless world,
forgetting how our forbidden love
would bring upon us, all the ill-luck.
The prompt for day#6 poem @ toads was to write a poem in the voice of another: in this case, the voice of a woman living in feudal times, addressing her laotang (a lifelong BFF/soul sister matched to young girls in China).
Often I find my thoughts Subjected to microscope Of my own history with you – Pastel walls surround Me, on the corner table with metal chairs, next to the only window in the cafe, I see under the natural light, Across the road I see you, throwing smiles at everyone picking flowers and coffee I follow your path to me One more time or last, I wonder; My feet lead me here, again even with a new name and address memories refuse to leave me, this window, this corner, our breakup
The day I first loved this color; buying bangles, dress, jewelry everything in shades of gold & red – the auspicious color of traditions, of tying two hearts & fates together of prayers, wishes, hopes and dreams A symbol of me being with you for next seven lifetimes a mark of me belonging not just you, but a new life of passion, of loyalty, of honor The day I first picked this dress, I realized the power of red to change a nervous lover into the most confident bride.
A little ball of darkness, hidden deep inside – so many negative thoughts below the layers of doubts; Untouched by love and light, i wasn’t ready for a gift like you since you kissed me one night, my dreams feel bright and new; Scared of losing,I refuse your claim but days,weeks and months pass, you fight the sadness in my soul by bringing to me moon and stars; Away from you,but forever in thoughts an empty shell, looking sad and lost I know it is not how its supposed to be, but darling, without you, I fail to breathe.
For every moment, you have shown me love, I have had a million doubts on me, questions on my self-worth; why for do I deserve this light, but for every such night, I also remember how goodness of a heart, needs a receptive soul, even a little dark, to understand the price you and I paid for this alliance; I remember the verses I owed to gods of broken hearts, begging for a reason for my tears, to show me a way away from fears. And it led me to your fragile soul, hard from outside, the smiles hiding the loneliness of much wiser mold. Now every time fate tempts me to stray I cling and fight harder, to always stay bound to your chains of trust and hope I will love you in the darkness of soul.
Inspired by the Mini challenge at Imaginary Toads to use a line from Kerry O’Connor’s poetry [ my inspiration is italiized in the verse above ] the reason I chose this line is because the moment I read this, I knew it felt so true for me and way I feel about my love for the light in ym life – my partner in this life.
Some days I was blind
To the beauty and kindness
This world offered;
Numbed by anxiety
I shrank back to shadows
And there I silently suffered;
Until he held my hand,
Not moving till I accepted
The love, the courage
To notice the other side.
It’s not just coffee, or the stale sandwich (from previous day of course – who delivers fresh at 6:00 AM) of any random all-night cafe I miss. It is the corner one on stop that was the farthest for us both so none could ever find us, it’s that very cafe, that last table, the coffee as fresh as the rising sun when we would meet for secret dates; It is that coffee and the sandwich I wish to be having this week – memories of our love and fights, of tears and smiles as we faced the world together as one, to be forever one; but first some coffee.
For almost an year before we got married , me and my husband would meet at this non descript cafe every alternate Saturday morning. I would later go to my parent’s home for the weekend and he would spend the day playing with friends. This week we celebrate our sixth wedding anniversary in a different country and I miss all those places that have seen us grow together and grow in love.
<musings of a healing soul and a warrior of words>