Tag Archives: myself

A to Z challenge : H(a)unted

different words –
feeding on emotions same
fear , hatred , anger;
some one got the thrills,
corrupted by the power
of the mask worn;
growing each day
from terror her eyes showed;
indulging in the game
outside the boundaries
once well drawn.
Hunted she was,
and maybe always,
haunted she would stay;
by the scars
his vile intentions
would become her nightmare.

Awarded

and so many questions to answer 😛

Leo & Reshma blessed my blogs [ Reshma reads my blogger page and Leo reads this wordpress one ] with this lovely award.

Rules :

  • Post 11 things about yourself
  • Answer 11 questions set by the nominator
  • Choose 11 deserving bloggers meeting the criteria
  • Set 11 questions for them.
  • Inform the nominee by commenting on one of their posts.

Usually I do not accept awards [ I am lazy to write a whole post about myself ] but recently I have some new blogs for you all to check. And so bear with me dearies ..

ME ( though I doubt my regular readers will find anything new here )

1. I am not comfortable writing prose ( fiction / non fiction ). I either wander from track or end up writing all poetry like sentences.

2. I love south-indian food more than north indian when given an option outside home.

3. I do not like changes in plans. If i make some plan , I want it to be followed strictly. Last moment changes irk me.

4. Lack of sleep and hunger made me a complete monster 😛 yes , I am the last person you would mess up with when I am sleepy or hungry.

5. I can not concentrate on anything if once I think of writing. When in that thought zone , I do not welcome any distraction.

6. I love questions. More so , the ones that make me think. Unless too personal , I like people who keep discussing different thoughts , beleif , ideas etc. I even ask a lot of questions from people I love most. Its the easiest way for me to know about a person.

7. I owe my reading habits to my mother. Most of my thoughts and experiences have her influence. One can say , we are more alike than siblings.

8. I love short poetry forms. I am too lazy to read long ones. I don’t even write long ones unless in rare moods.

9. Friends mean a hell lot to me than any relative. Many of them are my extended family sort.

10. there are times when I suddenly grow restless. I realize I can not spend consecutive 2 weekends at home without going out somewhere.

11. I fear a lot of things – losing my loved ones to unnatural causes is the biggest one.

And now the questions which I will be answering both Leo & Reshma’s questions in next post.

but , here are the 11 people I would pass the award :

Kz ( amazing story teller and lovely haiku creator)  ,

WabiSabi ( of wise and deep lines ) ,

Bjorn ( for amazingly real and innovative thoughts ) ,

Magical Mystical Teacher ( haiku , photos and more haiku)  ,

Divya (story teller ) ,

Lynn (queen of heart breaking lines and flowing words ),

Kristjaan Panneman (Haiku Master ) ,

Ermilia ( for picture prompt , the story and the books she talks about ) ,

Carol ( photographs , creative haiku art and lots of other verses ),

A Lot of pages ( my book review page ),

and Lastly Ibeingme ( he is the best muse , inspiration , critic and the best poet i know )

And  oh , I have only one ( or two ) questions for you to answer –

  • what is your favorite post from your blog ?
  • what is your biggest fear ? 

Share with the world  the award and pass it  on if you have new blogs to recco !

Plus , you CAN ask any question ( not more than 11 please 😛 )  to the bloggers you mention 😉

Discovering about myself

what you’re discovering about yourself.

Even before Emily asked this question , I was already walking on the path to accepting another flaw in me [ maybe I am being over critical ] , thanks to a gentle nudge in that direction from a dear friend.

I can not be happy too long

 

As much absurd this sound to even myself , I feel there is certain truth to this statement. I am more comfortable being a little sad or upset about this and that, but I can not believe everything being perfect or out of my hands. I have to be a little low and kind of become the reason for the same.

Idiotic ?

Yes, It is. And I admit this behavior is strictly in check from past months.

But I slip once in a while.  And every time I am thankful for the helping hand I get from my friends and family. I need to be scolded a bit at times to make me realize how my moods are affecting the people close to me. How I can not always blame myself or fear the worst.

And those days , I place faith on people who love me , on the guy who thinks I am worth all the love and care , on my family who feel proud of who I am and on God to guide me out of these depressive storm brewing on the horizon.

I guess writing helps too ( I see I am smiling a bit as I wrote this)

So that’s what I discovered about myself today ( again ) and I promise my love , I will be better tomorrow and for days to come.

*hugs to myself*

🙂

My dreams

My dreams lately have me seeing a lot of people from past. Some who have been mentioned in recent days and many who I don’t think i ever remembered after parting ways with. The dreams are kind of happy , even if not , atleast they are not sad or mysterious. Talking of mysterious dreams , I guess the weirdest one was to be invited to have a drink with my dad 😀 [ I still want to see how he or my mom would react to that ]

For years I have believed that dreams are answer to your subconscious thoughts. They might be something you badly want or just an image of what the future can hold for you. Sometimes they remind us of people we do not want to think about but we should. the college friends ( and the not-friends) I saw last week , the friends from present I saw today morning , they all had a reason to be there , even if i don’t know it now.

And the nightmares too. They show us whom we trust and turn to in real life crisis. I remember for a long time , I always saw my mom in my nightmares – in pain with me , protecting me and looking out for me. Then one night an year back, I had a real bad one and I saw him holding out his hand to me. I held that in dream and when I woke up , something inside me wanted that hand in real too. I always took it as a sign of accepting my feelings for him. And thank god I did.

 

So what do you think of your dreams ??

I write , I always want to

you ask why I write ,
and I admit ,
I am tempted to tell you,
maybe not the truth
’cause I know not today
what truth you will prefer
There ws a challenge,
when I began year back;
then came the need to impress
to spread my wings and test;
to cry , smile , scream and break
into peices over soft grass
or shredded glass in cold nights,
I wrote with abundance,
with pride over my new friends
and with fear one year –
the same year that I was robbed,
left naked to bleed and cry
while some one erased words
from dreams and real life alike.
Why I still wrote, my friends asked
and I have no answer except
writing a few bits more in secret.
Never did I know, I wrote
’cause there was someone out there
who waited to read me,
to match his silence with my lines,
to sing the words I left behind,
to read my words,
read me,
write to me,
write me ..
Write …
I write for him,
I wrote to seek him,
I write of his love
I wrote dreams of him
I write
I always will,
I want to ..

 

 

==

 

This is a non stop writing that happened after reading this post and the comments below.

thank you dVerse Poets ! you always make me write some amazing stuff 😉

Dealing with people and other thoughts.

Last week was a bit disappointing in terms of people. there were too many instances when I was hurt or upset with friends.

I thought I would write about them , I would vent my frustration/anger about how people behave nowadays but now I am not so sure.

Writing about them is not going to help them or make me feel good about it. but what I am really concerned about is people forgetting how to be nice to others, how to trust others.

Some one questioned me for charging her 30 rps extra for some tickets. I would not have minded that as much the fact she actually paid me whatever she thought was the correct price. what will I benefit from that ??

Another friend keeps asking me to make plans to meet but every time I call her , she has a reason not to come. Moreover she will not answer calls / msgs some days but I can see her active on social sites. I am tired of  making plans for others and waiting for them

A very old friend of mine thinks I am living life all wrong ’cause I do not have any exciting stories to tell him. I do not write all that comes to my mind , I do not go places , I do not tire myself with catching up with N number of people or attend every single event in the city [ Actually I do try for most of the book events ]. why can not people accept change in others ? Do I have to justify my living to all now ?

I do not understand such people. I do not understand many people off-late  I can not react offensively , I can not forget such incidents either. I do not feel like validating myself to others or to tell others if they are right or not. I only wish and feel to pray. Yes, I did not think I would say this, but I really Pray for all these people. I pray first for myself so I can keep my patience. I pray for these people to have peace in their life. I pray for random people who are so critical or negative always for the world.

I pray for Love.
I pray to be with my lover.
[ some friends think that being in a happy relationship has made me so much wise and forgiving. And I agree to this observation.]
I offer my love to god as random wishes whispered in the dark folds of night , as a lonely tear that rolls down my cheeks sometimes as I let go of another demon of my past , as the warm hug to my guy in appreciation of all smiles he has added to my life.
I thank you, Love you , adore you my God !
you are my savior. And I will forever pray for your blessings.

==

He claims love

When love knocks your door, oh wait , love is not that polite. It has a nasty habit of poking you , nudging you , teasing you and winking shamelessly at you when you are with that special someone or thinking about him later on. The whole world might await or ask about it in whispers and you will walk away, lying about it – to yourself and to others.

Then one day , lying on the grass , watching the sunlight play blinking games with you, you feel the butterflies in your stomach as he leans over you and kisses you, the very kiss you dreamed about from weeks just happens without a warning or planning. While you were waiting for grand signs, love came and made home in your heart and his in subtle ways on just another day.

That night , you write in your diary, with most sheepish grin and stars in your eyes. you declare in capital letters to yourself, “I AM IN LOVE”.

And life goes on. In love. With your love. For his love.
The moments melt , like yin and yang , like smiling tears or tearful smiles , like a make up kiss or the useless fight.
You are not you. He is not him.
“We” live to love.

Early not,nor late
the world will hear the music
his love claims me

Life these days.

2 AM.

I leave office.
and like every other office going person, I feel so relaxed. All I want is to call my boyfriend or sometimes mom and talk about how my “day” was. But there is rarely any friend awake to talk at this hour.

Yes , I talk to them after waking up around noon. But I can not explain this itch to hear some loved one after work.

Maybe this will become a major reason I am thinking of a change.
( Infact I am typing this post while travelling back from office )
10 AM

I am woken up by the love birds outside my room’s window. My house has new guests ( they are a part of the house I guess by now)- a pigeon couple. Which I must add are building their nest on top of AC. Needless to say, they mess the whole balcony but neither me nor roomie want to disturb their home. We have even thought of feeding them a bit now and then.

( Did you know pigeons have a strong sense of direction ? Their brain cells can gauge earth’s magnetism which help them track paths. Plus they pair for life  unless one partner dies)

4PM

I am ready and waiting for the cab to pick me from home for office. And I thank god(s) that another day of the week is over. I also hope and wish my time  at work be well spent and I keep myself out of petty politics and uselessness of some people around me. Weekend where are you !!

Oh, before that .. Where the hell is cab ??

*Picks my novel and goes reading*

That’s all new to report.
Lot of observations more.
Hopefully soon.

==

Also Linked to Alphabe Thursday – L

Time for self : ME time !

Me time. Like the one I have taken out now to write this post ?

Or the time I find to read other posts that would be written about this theme in hope to learn a bit from other wise ladies ( and men if they wrote).

Often I think Me time is just an illusion. but its a beautifully satisfying illusion I admit 😀

How you take out time mostly depends on what you like to do, since each activity/hobby has a place and time. you would not imagine cooking in middle of night,will you ? Well I can not since I have an open kitchen where you can not stand in winter nights for more than making a cup of tea for yourself !

I do not like days I miss on reading and writing. While reading a book regularly looks like a lot of effort , it is not. I spend 15 min travel time in reading and 20-30 minutes before I sleep on the book. Also, the days my cab is late ( which happens 2 times a week for sure) , you will always find me reading.

Also the time I travel on weekends in the metro , I prefer to keep my phone inside bag and rather read the 30-40 min I got.

While writing takes much more time and you have to sit on the laptop with a concentration of atleast half hour , I try to write bits and pieces of prose articles ( and even poetry) in phone notes / email drafts whenever the thought strikes. Early morning ( my morning is 11 am though ), with  a cup of tea in hand , I sit to assemble these thoughts into something meaningful. If not , then I do it from office since I get a bit free time to read and write in middle of other tasks.

Writing also involves reading others – to be inspired , to learn , to be amused and entertained , to share and to expand your horizons. This reading can be done on phone while you travel or better if you own a tab. you can save the pages once online and read them later. I try to spend 2-3 hours each weekend on reading various articles. Most articles get delivered to my inbox making it easier for me to read from my phone.

Another activity I enjoy is to walk. To notice things and people around. Most days , I follow the walk-n-talk advice of idea 😀  All my calls to my mother are done while I am walking to and fro the market or in park , or going to metro station ( which happens to be a walk of 20+ min each time ).

 

Latest and the last hobby for me is cooking. I pack my dinner almost daily and I try to prepare it on my own. But i do not get to try new dishes on weekdays since I am in a hurry to get ready and cook at same time. Hence the weekends I go home, I spend in kitchen. My mom loves it ’cause she can be free of kitchen duty for 2 days and I get the kitchen to myself to try all new dishes I want. win win situation ! Next week, I try the same dish at my place 🙂

 

So that’s My time and how I spend it.

And hope that I keep finding time like this after I am married and have extra responsibilities too.