Tag Archives: thoughts

Of Happy thoughts

This change of country has not been easy for me but something that I had completely not prepared myself was having some challenging people around. Anyway, this post is about the little things I feel good about right now , coz I need that reminder –

1. This is my 21st post on the blog in the very first month. ( I have promised to write 300 posts in 2019 )

2. I will be finally moving out of the hotel this weekend and into a studio apartment so that means I will be eating hot self cooked meals again.

I finally get to fill a house the way I want and make it a home for me and my husband. This was sort of a subconscious dream of mine from years ago when we were dating. ( More of that conversation some other time )

3. This uncomfortable phase of worries and panic attacks and nights of tossing in the bed has been instrumental in finding my strength again . It taught me that if you keep sight of your long term goals, the daily issues can be handled one by one.

This was much needed lesson that had to be revised well in order to be implemented.

And work ? I know I am capable and I know to keep my head down and put in my 150 percent effort. I should be okay. Right ?

Stay blessed you all.

💗

Drifting away

Here and there
Pieces of me
My dreams
Wishes so silly
And possessive
Friendships.
I let them all go
Imagining to be
Feeling light and free;
But its not that way
Not even a little,
I have let go of me.
One direction, one focus,
A chance to make it happen,
Lost in the maze of life
Swinging on moods,
Am happy one second,
Pensive one night.
We all are loved
And more we all give
Does it matter i wonder
Or Another hollow promise
That we beleive
In order to live.
I want to not think
Of the corner i stand in
Using darkness to hide
From shadows of hopes
I had raised for myself,
I need to drift away, today.

#ToiletForBabli : No open defecation

This year , i visited my husband’s village for the first time. Everything about the village life was so wonderful and refreshing. While returning one evening from neighboring village, I saw so many ladies walking into the fields with water bottles in hand. It did not take me more than a minute to realize that they were going for nature’s call.
This further made me wonder was if these people have to wait for the daylight to fade and search far and wide for a space where they can defecate without bothering of stares of others ~ men and women alike.
At what age will a mother tell her daughter not to defecate in open but rather search a hidden spot or wait for night to do that ? That felt so unnatural and sad too.
For the first time, I actually felt blessed that our village home had a proper toilet and my family had inspired and asked others to do the same for the sake of their daughter’s and sister’s dignity. While that is not a really valid reason to have a toilet in your home or perhaps a common toilet for set of houses, it is a very strong excuse to motivate people I feel.
But that IS NOT going to make much difference unless majority of the village stops open defecation.
As per my understanding , the two reasons people do not readily agree for toilets is that they want it far from the living / eating spaces. And other is affordability. With land becoming scarce and houses getting smaller, the proper waste disposal and avoiding the stink is major concern for people who do not realize that defecating in open will attract flies which then travel to their living and eating spaces to cause diseases. Childrean are most affected by these diseases which lead to many deaths if not permanent damage to physical and mental health. The villagers do not realize that they are causing harm to their families that is going to affect the generations to come. The unhealthy kids become unhealthy adults who are less productive and so earn less and spend on medicines and treatments of their family.
Also, without proper treatment if this waste, the whole area starts stinking making it unfit for any use whatsoever.
The affordability issue is a one time excuse and can be handled either by sponsoring the toilets and then educating the people that they would be saving money and time from the treatment of their families. Infact , with falling immunities and poor nutrition being common in poor families, half of these kids are going to be affected by open defecation.
After my return from the village, I had almost forgotten about this until I read about Domex Toilet Academy. Domex, HUL’s flagship sanitation brand, currently runs the Domex Toilet Academy (DTA) programme. Domex Toilet Academy was launched on 19th November 2013. It aims to become a sustainable and long-term solution to provide sanitation that benefits the local community and helps stimulate the local economy. The Toilet Academy makes toilets accessible and affordable, while promoting the benefits of clean toilets & good hygiene.
A basic functional toilet will cost some where about 2~4k. While this amount can be too much for a poor family, many of us can contribute a bit and make it happen for so many villages.
You can bring about the change in the lives of millions of kids, thereby showing your support for the Domex Initiative. All you need to do is “click” on the “Contribute Tab” on www.domex.in and Domex will contribute Rs.5 on your behalf to eradicate open defecation, thereby helping kids like Babli live a dignified life.

The pain

The bones ache,
Like never before ~
He has distributed my pain
From the heart
To parts of my make.
The words settle like mist
Suffocating all my smiles
And later when i lie alone
The darkness is the balm
For my tear filled eyes.
The hopes i give birth
Like tiny butterflies,
Fly away far frm me
Disguised as moths
So cruel and disgusting.
The pain i had in heart
Has spread its arms
Into the very core of me,
The bones ache like mad
While the world blames me.

Just a memory

To never stop loving <3

 
Just a memory,
she convinced her lover
the latest one,
as she came back to him,
his smell,his touch,
her own senses still locked
in a far away thought,
of another time,
another lost smile
as she stood alone
and mourned the death
of first innocent love,
of mushy words
that she actually meant,
not just then..
But now it is,
just a memory
she convinces herself.

My dreams

My dreams lately have me seeing a lot of people from past. Some who have been mentioned in recent days and many who I don’t think i ever remembered after parting ways with. The dreams are kind of happy , even if not , atleast they are not sad or mysterious. Talking of mysterious dreams , I guess the weirdest one was to be invited to have a drink with my dad 😀 [ I still want to see how he or my mom would react to that ]

For years I have believed that dreams are answer to your subconscious thoughts. They might be something you badly want or just an image of what the future can hold for you. Sometimes they remind us of people we do not want to think about but we should. the college friends ( and the not-friends) I saw last week , the friends from present I saw today morning , they all had a reason to be there , even if i don’t know it now.

And the nightmares too. They show us whom we trust and turn to in real life crisis. I remember for a long time , I always saw my mom in my nightmares – in pain with me , protecting me and looking out for me. Then one night an year back, I had a real bad one and I saw him holding out his hand to me. I held that in dream and when I woke up , something inside me wanted that hand in real too. I always took it as a sign of accepting my feelings for him. And thank god I did.

 

So what do you think of your dreams ??

Into another Jan,we step

Another Jan.
Another year begins.
Another set of goals.
Another sky full of dreams – mine for myself , of loved ones from me , mine for the loved ones.
Another glance back at the paths left behind – some traveled some not.
Another look around at the smiling faces that step into this unknown journey with me – wondering how many will still be there next jan.
Another thankful nod to them and a warm welcome to the new friends.
Another empty notebook on the desk of life.

And I write ….

Watching both ahead and back,
here and there,
around and within,
inside out of my heart
outside held in my palms,
setting a new goal for me
painting a picture of happier me.
asking myself if am alone
finding a hand to securely hold on.
knowing for once,life is good,
keeping faith in music and books.
loving him ,sometimes less that more,
loving self, more than most.

Written for OSI , Month of the year challenge – January

when I think of home

There was a time, I could have said I have no home – my parents own one and that’s a place I would be welcome always. I live is a cozy room with one of the sweetest soul I know and that’s a place I forever want to return each day – to the same bed , books , that make shift kitchen , those welcome smiles of my friend and our shared space. I feel grounded when am in there – just myself. The honest , open and enlightened. But love has gone some where else. There is a place I have started feeling homely even when I have never been there. A small bed facing the tv , a computer and book rack nearby , a huge window that opens to a view of a lovely tree that’s home to many birds. pets running around the bed in circles , trying to reach me as smell of tea and fresh cookies fill the air. That’s a home I dream of. That’s the home I want. To paint the walls with our smiles and to fill it with colors of our togetherness. Where each season is welcomed alike and celebrated with music and words.

That’s a home I want for myself.
That’s a heaven I will make my own.

Some day , I hope.

Realizations

Realizations can happen any time , any place about anyone – provided you do not ignore them.

And when they reveal things about you, it can get a little too much sometimes.

The last month has been little stressful for me even when there been moments of great joy too. But all the talking , thinking and worrying at times did leave its mark.

While I can not and do not want to re think over those lines, here’s something I did realize –

Between you and me

I am not always in sync
With the little voice in head
I do not usually deny
It says stuff I leave unsaid.

I recognize the voice as ‘she’
the kind of spirit I am not
And she has a lot to tell me
Whether asked or not to poke.

These days she been telling
I have lost a grip on things
My head is such a mess
No logic, just all feelings.

I am scared of days to come,
And of failing people who care,
I need reassurance now and then
Am not walking alone here.

I demand a lot sometimes,
She keeps sending the warning,
But to question,if am wrong,
to that, she won’t be answering.

I feel so lost, so worthless,
I don’t know what to say or write,
Between you and me, I told her
I think we both are wrong and right.

Help me, I whispered to her,
And she filled my eyes with tears
Let it flow my dear she said,
Selfless love alone can free your fear.

~ Nimue

==

Written for Month of year challenge : Nov , Sunday Scribblings , Open Link night